Funny

Not into politics?  You too can become a Human Mobius Strip with the Up Periscope Anal Self Exploration kit.   Some liberals have actually reported seeing their brains while on self exploration missions.

This pirate looks overjoyed to be the fuzzy captains hat spokes-model

TAS an abbreviation for Tattered Asshole Syndrome.  This is a real risk for working in the porn industry for women and gay men. It is also a metaphoric risk for us living in societies dominated by Lawyer-Politicians.

Not to be confused with Instant Asshole Syndrome. 

I have a friend Mark who dated a depressive girl for a while. She grabbed a photo off of the net and did the artwork and emailed it to him with the caption written beneath the photo. He forwarded the email to me as it was quite freudian and funny. Signs of failure abound in this artwork.  First of all this knight is up to his knees in water. Not a good thing when you are wearing iron. The worst part is you sink and drown if you fall. Secondly and more germaine is you rust. I knew her so it was likely she sensed the relationship was a temporary one at best. Of course cutting and pasting in the face is more than a little comical also. 

Her words were "My knight in shining armor …..or not."

One time a long while back I dated a really good looking girl I met on Squaw Peak named Daniel.  Incredibly beautiful body and face.  She was a strawberry blond.  One time we visited my friend Mark after hiking.  We stopped by his apartment to talk for a while and then left. Daniel was wearing some sort of fragrance or deoderant.  She generally smelled good no matter what. After we left Mark's girl friend Cathy arrived at his house.  She walked in the house and said " Who have you been having sex with?  It smells like sweat and perfume in here!" A classic line if ever there was one.  She was a bar tender and tended to be on the easy side to get into bed so she should know about the smells.  Later he caught her in bed cheating on him.  Our suspicions can give us away.  Just as there is no honor among criminals.   Said another way we transfer our behavioral expectations upon others.  We expect others behave as we do.  Thus if we are shifty we tend to be very suspicious.  Of course dating is brutal in the USA where there are so few attractive women to be found so this rule of human behavior must be applied judiciously.  

…This is Dave Hilbert's answering machine .   I am not here right now. I am sure you are a Feynman so please  leave a message because I'm out Turing.   

Jordan the Ebony lovedoll with 3 loving passages: The webpage gives the sizes so you can buy clothes for it. In the mid to late 90's I had an exceptional Japanese girlfriend that I met because of working at a particular electronics firm where she also worked. Her name was Yoko.  She was an energetic lady whose father had been a kickboxer in Japan.  She was the sweetest thing.  She was also extremely good in bed.  I was a bit of a scondrel in the 90's with a muscular 6'4" 220lbs body with blue eyes and shaved head.  The problem was I was too pretty.  I would send out a photo over aol for example and very soon the lady I sent it to would be in my apartment doing unmentionable things.  Like other men I had a hard time saying no. So one day I am working at a lab bench and a new janitor walk by pushing a broom.   She's a black / white mix with an incredible body.  Of course my silverback hormones immediate flush into my bloodstream.  Over time I started talking with her and she used to day things like "You should be a model….bla bla lba you are so hot bla bla lba".  These were direct tipoffs.  In those days when a girl said anything of the sort and I was not at work I immediate started removing her clothes.  However due to her working the same place as my girfriend and I worked I figured it was going to be a bit difficult to act out on my evil thoughts.  But one day she mentioned she was having trouble with her math class.  Being an engineer I felt it unkind to deprive this minority lady from a good home schooling.  Long story short I was at her place for 2 hours and the math lesson lasted MAYBE 3 minutes.  Now I know the phrase having sex with the janitor does not have an appealing ring but alot of cute mexican and black girls get hired in Arizona for cleaning.  My best friend broke through the language barrier for long enough to end up in the broom closet with a sexy mexicana who spoke no english for example.  This girl was hot.  And I like doing her.  She was a bit dumb but sometimes its just plain fun to schtup a dumb girl.  I only did her once because I figured more could only lead to trouble. Cut to a few  monthes later. Yoko comes to my engineering lab bench.  She says come outside I need to talk.  I always tried to discourage this behavior because it appears unprofessional.  Heck it IS unprofessional. But there's something sexy about having a chick your doing at your place of work.  So in order to shut her up I went outside with her and this is how the conversation went: Me: What is it Yoko?  This is so unprofessional …do you know how it looks for me? ( secretly thinking it farkin turns me on ) Yoko: Do you have AIR WOMAN ……. BLACK ? Me: (….I think to myself jesus she knows about the janitor.  I adore yoko.  I do not want anything with her to end.  She's THAT good.  And she cooks pretty good too.  …) …What???? ( trying to sound incredulous .. …( meanwhile I feel the very hot sweat on my face you feel when you have been caught ) Yoko: Do you have Air woman…..black ???? Me: ( by this time I realize that Yokos english is not that good so she doesn't speak figuratively very often…so I guess NO …she does not know ) ……Yoko…You have been to my house a thousand times…..have you EVER EVER EVER seen a party doll there ???? Yoko: Well…..maybe you get out….You pump it up…..you done …you fold….you put away.  ( when she says "pump it up" she makes the motion using her hands and feet of an old fashion tire pump to air up a tire ) Me: The motion of her pantomimed air pump is absolutely HILARIOUS ……I break out laughing! Yoko: Looks at me laughing Me: Yoko ….NO I do not have an Air Woman …Where did you get the idea I did ???? Yoko: Olivia in manufacturing said you did! Me: How the heck would Olivia know this ???   ( Olivia was an oldish 55 at this time !! and there was NO WAY she could know anything sexual about me ) Yoko: Laughing by this time …..she really is the funniest person I've ever EVER known including Jerry Seinfeld on TV ! We went back in and I realized I was good for another day.  She'd be coming over later for some more very very good sex.  It was awful how I lied to her. Had sex with woman after woman but she still cared for me.  We humans go through phases and I guess this was my era.   Later I had to say goodbye to her because she already had her kids and her tubes tied before I even met her.  So no kids for me if I stayed…and I wanted kids. 

I have a friend who has very quick hands.  We'll call him Hans. One day Hans said I'm so fast I can catch birds and squirrels with my bare hands.  So we found a squirrel in the park and he crept up all stealthy like a cat.  Then in a flash his hands grabbed the squirrel but somehow managed to get an incomplete grip.  The Mr. Rocky J. Squirrel was instantly in defense mode and sunk his teeth into his mid-finger knuckly quite deep as they have long teeth. Hans was there in the park waving his hand with Mr. Squirrel flailing and luckily let go after a short bit.  It was quite a show.  I have not laughed so hard in a long time in spite of the fact it could be bad for my friends health having squirrel germs dead square in his finger joint.

One of the funniest crook stories I ever heard was the story of how a ranger had been called out to capture and transfer a bobcat to a more appropriate location.  The only thing the ranger had to put the bobcat in was a toolbox.  He did so after capturing it and left it in his truck.  While he was away from his truck a couple of car thieves made off with truck and contents.  They found the truck skidded off of the road with the interior bloodied up.  Seems the greedy crooks had opened the toolbox while driving. The bobcat was of course highly annoyed at having been in the box and proceeded to go medieval on them.  Note this story was told to me in 1990 before the internet so it must be true.

      I’m not sure which is funnier mummies or Frankenstein.  Have you ever been on the phone were your friend is talking endlessly? You’re obliged to give the acknowledgement sound to puncuate the end of each sub-idea.  Uh-huh.  They just keep going mm mmmm.   And you keep uh huhing.  After a while Read more…